Burke and Hare (2010)

1st View
Format: DVD
Venue: Rivendell

John Landis directing a pseudo horror comedy based on true events starring Simon Pegg? All the ingredients are there for something I would truly love. However, Burke and Hare meanders lazily through its plot; things just happening in succession grounded to nothing. Utterly forgettable.


Rating: 4/10 Atkins

Apollo 18 (2011)

1st View
Format: Blu-ray
Venue: Rivendell

I'm not exactly sure how one goes about so epically fumbling such an interesting concept for a horror film, but the folks behind Apollo 18 sure figured it out. Its biggest crime is that its scant 86 minute runtime is stretched to a seeming eternity by its stagnating plot. It also petulantly insists that its found footage nonsense is real, apparently unaware that IMDB exists and anyone with the internet and fingers can verify its deception.

Rating: 4/10 Atkins

Santa's Slay (2005)

1st View
Format: DVD
Venue: Castle Greyskull

With my irresponsible fetish for holiday horror films of all makes, models, and levels of quality, I'm not sure why I put off seeing this so long. Dumb as a box of coal, but so much fun. So. Many. Christmas Puns.


Rating: 4/10 Atkins

Immortals (2011)

1st View
Format: XD Digital
Venue: Tinseltown

Boring, long-winded, and uninteresting. Shame.


Rating 4/10 Atkins 

Child's Play 3 (1991)

1st View
Format: Cable
Venue: Rivendell

Just happened to be on TV today and it's one of the last two in the franchise I hadn't seen. It's...not good. The idea behind the premise is passable, but the execution creates more plot holes than the film can handle. Satisfying ending though.

Rating: 4/10 Atkins

The Green Hornet (2011)

1st View
Format: Cable
Venue: Rivendell

Finally caught this. I like the character quite a bit so I was hoping for a decent big screen adaptation. There are elements that work here, but they are subverted by horrendous miscasting in both Hornet and villain (sorry Christoph Waltz, you were great in Inglorious Basterds but you have nothing to work with here). I get that they got Seth Rogen because the character starts off as a bumbling rich oaf, but if he never changes to legit hero, the movie is a failure.

Rating: 4/10 Atkins

Ides of March (2011)

1st Visit
Venue: Alamo South Lamar (Press Screening)

Forgettable Oscar-bait dreck.


Rating: 4/10 Atkins

FANTASTIC FEST 2011: Retreat (2011)

1st View
Country: UK
Venue: Alamo South Lamar

Rating: 4/10 Atkins

Blue Sunshine (1978)

1st View
Format: DVD
Venue: LEOG Lair

Weird fucking movie, just plain weird. LEOG Lair refers to the house of a good friend of mine who hosts a podcast called The League of Extremely Ordinary Gentlemen which I am fortunate enough to be a part of.

Rating: 4/10 Atkins

Ernest Goes to Jail (1990)

Revisit
Format: Blu-ray
Venue: Rivendell

Not as good as Ernest Goes to Camp. Still fun.

Rating: 4/10 Atkins

Ghostbusters 2 (1989)

Revisit
Format: Netflix WI
Venue: Rivendell

Luke had only seen the original about a year and a half ago. I hadn't seen it since I was a kid. It's real bad.

Rating: 4/10 Atkins

Conquest (1983)

Revisit
Format: DVD
Venue: Captain Murphy's Movie Submarine (24hr Movie Marathon)

In the Fantasy category. One of Fulci's strangest films.

Rating: 4/10 Atkins

Broken Arrow (1996)

1st View
Format: Netflix Instant
Venue: Rivendell

Rating: 4/10 Atkins

Paul (2011)

1st View
Format: Blu-ray
Venue: The Great Hall's

I love Simon Pegg and Nick Frost; two of the funniest guys working today. But Paul is flat, lazy, and desperately pandering. My theory on this is that Pegg and Frost were trying to recapture the greatness of their series Spaced, wherein a nonstop parade of geek culture references marches to the delight of a niche audience. But what they ended up proving is that it is unwise to remove Edgar Wright from the equation if you are hoping for the same result.

Rating: 4/10 Atkins

Kickboxer (1989)

1st View
Format: Blu-ray
Venue: Rivendell

I was far too sober to properly enjoy this cinematic flatline. I'm starting to wonder if maybe early JCVD is not my particular brand of vodka. I've so far been unmoved by Bloodsport, Universal Soldier, Hard Target, and Timecop. But I do feel he's especially moronic in Kickboxer and his every reaction to any given stimulus is a gaped mouth and a thousand yard stare. This feels like a movie that could have easily starred Cynthia Rothrock if it had a budget reduction of $200.

Rating: 4/10 Atkins

The Condemned (2007)

1st View
Format: Blu-ray
Venue: The Great Hall's

Holds the dubious distinction of being the best WWE movie I've ever seen. That said, it's criminally boring.

Rating: 4/10 Atkins

The Italian Connection (1972)

1st View
Format: DVD
Venue: Rivendell

Part of the Fernando Di Leo set Raro Video was kind enough to send me. Henry Silva and Woody Strode are great, the rest...

But to Raro's credit, the transfer is nearly flawless. 

Rating: 4/10 Atkins

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

Revisit
Format: Blu-ray
Venue: Casa de Q

Saw this once as a kid, and I've since felt a major blind spot in my classic film education and woefully absent from my knowledge base. Watched my friend Q's copy of the Blu-ray and...I hate this film. Is it beautiful and brilliantly shot? Absolutely! Is it worth 2.5 hours of your time to suffer through a pretentious, plot-less piece of crap masquerading as a classic? Not even close. The thing that bugs me is that there is an interesting story here buried under endless self-indulgence.


Rating: 4/10 Atkins

The Lost Boys: The Thirst (2010)

1st View
Format: Netflix WI
Venue: Rivendell

The Good: This movie gets better as it progresses, that's about as kind as I can be to it. The two elements of the script that I actually do enjoy are the poignant head nods to the original film and the merciless slamming of Stefanie Meyer (author of those God-awful Twilight books).

The Bad: This is textbook shitty DTV filmmaking. The acting, for the most part, is abysmal, the script is a tightly-woven tapestry of cliches, and the effects are straight out of your cousin's backyard movies. Also, I can not abide the rancid emo cover of Cry Little Sister (the outstandingly awesome theme song from the first film). Why not just use the original goddamn song instead of paying a shit band to cover it?! 


The Weird: You have to admire the dedication of Corey Feldman. Knowing that he was to reprise his role as one of the Frog brothers one day, he decided to spend years and years taking copious amounts of drugs and drinking like a maniac until he reached the point where he looked and sounded exactly like an actual frog. Bravo!

Rating: 4/10 Atkins

Violent City (aka The Family) (1970)

1st View
Format: DVD
Venue: Rivendell (Bronsothon)

The Good: Stunning cinematography that far exceeds the quality of the rest of the film and a pair of killings at the end that are just phenomenal.

The Bad: Waaaaaaaay too long. Someone needs to take a machete too it and edit it down with extreme prejudice. Once Telly Savalas shows up, the movie becomes an exorcise in poor storytelling. They would flash back to exposition stories for characters who weren't even in the film.

The Weird: This version, the Blue Underground release, had restored footage never before seen. But the restored footage was in Italian with English subs whereas the rest of the film was in English. So it was funny to watch the characters slip in and out of Italian at the drop of a hat.

Rating: 4/10