Riding the Bus with My Sister (2005)

1st View
Venue: Alamo South Lamar (Master Pancake)

This was a very special, and I do mean special, Choose Your Own Pancake. The audience brings movie selections, narrowed down to own by the very sophisticated Applause-O-Meter. The comedic dynamos of the Master Pancake troupe then improvise a live mock of the film. Some friends from Spill.com assisted in the lampoon. The film that was chosen was a 2005 made-for-TV movie called Riding the Bus with my Sister starring Rosie O'Donnell as a mentally handicapped woman and Andie MacDowell as her compassionately handicapped sister. It is one of the most offensive exploitation films I have ever seen and it fervently believes itself to be an inspiring feat of humanism. We were informed as the film began rolling that the Disabled American Film Festival was going on in the theater across the hall. Warm up my seat, Satan.

Rating: 1/10 Atkins

Captain America Director's Cut (1990)

Revisit
Format: 35mm
Venue: Alamo South Lamar (with Director Albert Pyun live)

I had seen the 90s Captain America before; was privy to its shortcomings and loved it regardless. What was unleashed upon us, the unsuspecting crowd sitting that night in naive anticipation in the theater, was something far worse than the film we knew and ironically loved. Albert Pyun's director's cut proves that his dismissal from the project at the behest of the studio was 100% warranted. I will never be able to truly communicate how inept and amateur this chore of a director's cut really is. Sufficed to say, I prefer my Captain America fighting the forces of evil over, say, sweeping the floors at a Gold's Gym. Not. Making. That. Up.

Rating: 1/10 Atkins

Standing Ovation (2010)

1st View
Format: DVD
Venue: Rivendell (Kayla Kromer's Birthday Celebration)

I love my friends, and I will do anything for them. I have proven this today. Standing Ovation was one of the worst things I have ever seen and I don't mean to confine that statement merely to the realm of film. It is a near 2 hour soul degeneration and a landmark in the pseudo child prostitution of film marketing. I am immensely thankful to have seen this with a crowd and, to its dubious credit, it did provide endless laughs.

Rating: 1/10 Atkins

Screamtime (1983)

1st View
Format: Netflix WI
Venue: Rivendell

The Good: It always makes me happy to discover an unseen anthology horror film, even if it's as bad as this abomination. In the first segment there is some creepy sound work...that's about all I got.

The Bad: Take your pick. The framing device is a couple of doucebags from Brooklyn stealing videotapes from a store and watching them, the segments are all half-assed and terrible, the lighting consists of one guy with a standard size maglite, etc, etc, etc.

The Weird: It's weird that someone actually handed over money to make this film. But to be more specific, there is a moment in the final segment wherein a man is attacked by a dwarf dressed as a lawn gnome. Yup.







Rating: 1/10 Atkins